I'm ready to blog again

To say that this year has been the roughest of my life is a complete understatement.

I haven't been able to blog. I wear my heart on my sleeve and I haven't been able to let you in. Still completely in the grips of grief but for the first time in a year, I'm feeling on top of the world. I cannot believe how good I'm feeling and this isn't one of those 'quietly I'm crying into my pillow' no I really feel on top of the world and I hope that it lasts.

Ok so what did you miss?
What happened that I couldn't tell you about?

My brother passed away. Yes within 6 months I lost my father and my eldest brother. And it hurt. It hurt a lot. With Dad I was very sad but Dad had been sick for a long time so you kinda do a bit of pre grieving if that even makes sense. You know what's going to happen and you cry for months beforehand but with Jay it was sudden.

Jay was 5 years older than me and he loved life in every which way possible, which meant that I grew up with quite a colourful childhood. As much as my parents have always tried to protect and shelter me as much as they could, I saw things others haven't but not as much as some. We lived with it and that was life, we didn't know any different.

He was a typical big brother with both of us (I have a middle brother, I am the baby). He would fight us no end, think running around the house screaming at the top of my lungs as he chased me and Beau and he getting into fisty cuffs over computer games, but if anyone else wanted to fight us, well he would not have it. He was well and truly our black sheep of the family but you had to love him, everyone did.

He left us at the way too young age of 32 but you will never be forgotten Jay. We had our ups and downs but I will always love you.

Our tribute to you.

Forever Young, Jay (Click the link)

In the words of Don McLean, 'This world was never meant for one as beautiful as you.'

Miss you, love you,

Kel xx

Remembrance II

Here I am again. Talking about remembrance.

I had a great week last week. Just had such a good vibe and everything was going along relatively smoothly. I knew Dad was around. He lets me know he is there. We he had just passed I needed a little bit of time for myself. I headed off for a walk, this might have been to purchase more chocolate... I needed it, anyways I popped my iPod on and a song was cued ready to go. The weirdest part of this is that I use my iPod all the time for music in my sessions. I had just flown from Dubbo to Perth so had been listening to music but I never wait for a song to finish, I just stop the music when I need to so the fact that a song was cued ready to go was weird enough, then I listened to the first line.

Have a listen Lisa Mitchell, See you when you get here.

It could be a bit morbid when you listen to the first line, especially after just losing your Dad.

'How do you feel about being dead? Said one to the other.
How do you feel about being lonely? Said one to the other.
She said darlin, darlin it's alright. She said darlin, darlin it's ok.
But I'll see you when you get here.'

This song gave me a great amount of comfort. Like my Dad just came to let me know he is ok. So last week while my iPod was on random, this song played quite a few times so I knew he was around. It works both ways when I want him to be around I play the song for a special moment.

I was surprised last Tuesday night. I arrived home to have found a beautiful daisy bush on my doorstep. My favourite flower is the daisy, it always has been (what can I say? I'm a girl of expensive tastes). My mum had organised the local nursery to deliver me a remembrance tree so I have a little space that I can spend with Dad, and I want to share it with you.

A little Daisy

For my Daddy little legs

Oh and look who decided she needed to be in the shot

Oh Bella

The funniest part of mum getting me a daisy bush to remember Dad is that it actually brings back another memory. Growing up we had a puppy dog called Marlee (and yes she had the exact same personality as Marley & Me). After mum and dad split she went to live with Dad on a semi rural property so all of a sudden, no fences!! She ran amok and when people would come over apparently she would bite them all (what did he do to her?). She ran out on the road following my brother and was hit by a car. When Dad buried her he told me to pick a plant we would plant on her 'grave' surprise, surprise I chose a Daisy bush. As Dad was planting it a bee stung him so he would say that she finally bit him.

Oh I have the best parents in the world.

Kel.

Remembrance

It's the 11th of the 11th 2000 and 11 and what a day?

What are you remembering today?

I'm remembering my Dad. He passed away 2 months ago. It still makes me cry all the time but I'm not surprised at all, it's still so new. What hurts me the most today is I remember where I was this time last year. I was living with my Daddy, about to move over to NSW. He had just received his medals of service from the army and we were having our moments silence together. I can't believe that was only a year ago, it feels like a lifetime ago.

Everything happens for a reason and we are put onto a path and guided. I see why I was sent to NSW now. We were too close. My parents split when I was about 12 and from that day I became very close with both my mum and my dad. Dad would have his custody weekends and have no idea what to do with me. It was just the two of us. He had dealt with my older brothers so much more as I was my mummy's baby girl (I still am at 27 by the way). We got to know each other, we hung out just the two of us. He got to learn what I loved and what I hated and most importantly he got me. Even before I moved away I saw him most weeks. I would finish work on a Friday at 2pm (joys of being a PT) and would head over to his, he would come meet me for lunch or we would just catch up at whatever we were doing. Yes one Friday afternoon I found myself at a tattoo show wearing my fitness lycra, one of my most uncomfortable experiences. But we were as thick as thieves.

Dad was sick for a while. He would never admit it because just like me, whatever is going on in your world everything is fine. He had cancer and it kept spreading and he kept getting treatment and it kept spreading. The hardest person to tell that I was moving to the other side of the country was him. He was fine with it he told me. He was watching the AFL grand final (his team was Collingwood) all by himself which made me sad. He knew I had to move. None of us knew that he wouldn't be here a year later but someone knew.

Moving to NSW got me away from the expectation that I would see him every week. When I would have a few hours spare I could call him and meet up and it got me out of that habit. Don't get me wrong I'm devastated by the fact he is gone but I think this moved helped me to deal with the loss. I had to toughen up a little and it's helped. If I hadn't I think I would be a complete mess. I told him that I couldn't imagine a life without him and he told me he wouldn't leave me. He hasn't, I still live in denial he is gone, he is just in Perth and that's why I haven't seen him in so long. It helps get me through.

All the memories we have I love. I loved every minute of being in your world and I will remember you forever xoxo.

My favourite photo of all time, Daddy and Moppy

(Yes that's me)

Daddy and Me

Love Moppy

xoxo